Interactive Session 4

24 Nov

Welcome to the fourth interactive session of the Miracle Bond! In this session we have poems by  Natasha Pasch, Shanice Blackwood and Allison Johnson-Haferman in response to our Sonnet Writing Task .By tomorrow, the editorial will put up their constructive suggestions for all the sonnets ( including the sonnets from the last session). Do not forget to post in your views!

Memories From A Bathtub- Natasha Pasch

 

Memoirs of sub sequential states

The square-walled in life

Gushing of beadsdischarge the slate

This layer needn’t be rubbed

This journey only lit by wax

Auditory cortex heightens

Where are the progressive facts?

Twisted-dissection continues to frighten

Vicariously, but time and memory- soaked

Ready, but tongued-trying to subside

Whispers, “Your latent being must be evoked!”

A present, not a spirit, I need alongside

Why won’t the aqua flow and explode?

The body sinks to a new the private road

 

Should I Tell Her? – Shanice Blackwood

The distance between us seems like we’re worlds apart

My heart yearns for you,  despite the  fact you’re just few feet away.

Should I tell her what’s in my heart, where do I even start?

Nervousness strikes me with its fatal blows, I even  begin to sway.

 

Emptiness, despair and loneliness try to invade my soul.

But I know that I must tell, just to her know.

The thought of  just holding her hand would make my broken heart whole.

To think that I wasted time trying to drive her out my mind. I should go!

 

Go and tell her that I truly care, that my love for her is indeed rare.

Yes, I will tell no more hiding or living in fear.

Her eyes,  my eyes.. my gosh she saw me stare.

Did the word soar out of my mouth, please tell me she didn’t hear?

 

 

My heart races as she walks up to me, hands immensely sweats; yet I can’t help think how beautiful she looks.

The words she said hit me by surprise, “ are you George Cooks?”

 

 
Fire Eater’s Daughter –  Allison Haferman

hopeful bending hands smooth her into place
braille sex under his constellation stare
honey skin dulls the damage aftertaste
the fire eater’s daughter, pulling hair
 
she is a hunter with an arson tongue
stretching, coiling, coming right on cue
just like death, his bell jar heart overhung
only pulsing exit thoughts to imbue
 
save the soulmate jargon for the poets
fire likes to burn and such is her call
meet her prey, cartoon lover’s eyes show it
once in your view, now nowhere at all
 
why reach into the fire knowingly
she is now smoke, rising stoically
 
 
 
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12 Responses to “Interactive Session 4”

  1. miracleezine November 25, 2012 at 5:13 pm #

    @natasha we love the word usage in the poem. A poem should always be admired on its quality and not quantity. That is what your poems have- quality. You dilute a beautiful poem in just few words and we love that! We would suggest you to divide the poem into three quatrains with a couplet.

    • Catherine Ayres November 25, 2012 at 9:19 pm #

      I agree – this is a great poem, just not quite a sonnet. The imagery is strong and clever, you just need to tweak it so that there are 10 syllables per line and an ABAB scheme.

      • Allison November 26, 2012 at 1:01 am #

        I will concur. I really enjoy reading this piece, and think it will really come together once its in the right frame. It will allow the reader to get into a rhythm that enhances the sentiment. Its the salt that brings the taste.

        Your words are strung together with such a richness. Potent. Powerful. Very nicely done, Natasha.

      • Natasha Pasch November 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

        thanks so much! i realized the 10 syllable rule after i wrote it!! I will definately have to re-write it and see where the poem takes me!! I think for a general poem i really like it- but turning it into a full sonnet might bring a new vibe to it!

  2. miracleezine November 25, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

    @shanice your message is very cute, you need to work a bit on this poem though. It’s always better to use less words in the poem. We think there are some verses in the poem that are not needed and also you should decrease the length of the poem to give a more musical touch to it though the rhymes you used are really nice.

    • Catherine Ayres November 25, 2012 at 9:20 pm #

      I agree about the rhymes and I like the way you have used speech in your poem.

  3. miracleezine November 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

    @allison writing a Shakespearean sonnet can be quite difficult, but you have a done a pretty amazing job. From the word usage to the flow of the poem, everything was perfect just one thing: ‘stoically’ in the last line is not quite right when you are putting it along ‘smoke’ , so we would like you to change that.

    • allison November 25, 2012 at 5:38 pm #

      I agree. I had a hard time with that word, didn’t feel or sound right. I am thinking on it and will make the change because I really like how the rest of it turned out. I’ve never written a sonnet before, but I enjoyed this challenge very much.

      • Catherine Ayres November 25, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

        This is a really fantastic poem – it nearly took my breath away. I’m very admiring of how you’ve managed to stick to the sonnet form and include so much rich and powerful imagery.

      • Allison November 26, 2012 at 1:04 am #

        Catherine, i just left some feedback for Natasha and I used “rich and powerful” before having seen your comment! We sure think alike. I am very humbled to receive such positive feedback from someone’s who’s work I’m also in awe with. 🙂 I am so glad to be a part of this group!

  4. Allison November 27, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    Fire Eater’s Daughter – Allison Haferman
    (edit-new couplet)

    hopeful bending hands smooth her into place
    braille sex under his constellation stare
    honey skin dulls the damage aftertaste
    the fire eater’s daughter, pulling hair

    she is a hunter with an arson tongue
    stretching, coiling, coming right on cue
    just like death, his bell jar heart overhung
    only pulsing exit thoughts to imbue

    save the soulmate jargon for the poets
    fire likes to burn and such is her call
    meet her prey, cartoon lover’s eyes show it
    once in your view, now nowhere at all

    inhale, backdraft, carbon breath consequence
    chemically structured ambivalence

    • Allison December 4, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

      is anyone out there?

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